


Do You Like My Gun?

by helplesslynerdy



Series: Crack!Fic AU [1]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Alternate Universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-12
Updated: 2013-07-12
Packaged: 2017-12-19 05:19:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/879895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/helplesslynerdy/pseuds/helplesslynerdy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>EXTREME CRACK!FIC. Proceed with caution. I will not be held responsible for any brains exploding.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Do You Like My Gun?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ABadPlanWellExecuted](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ABadPlanWellExecuted/gifts).



A flash of light in complete silence. Then colors flashing towards her, like when the Enterprise was about to go into warp drive. Sounds of the world she was about to enter hit her like an oncoming train.

Rose landed, arms flailing to keep herself upright. She landed in the middle of an alleyway, alone. _Much better than that landing on Avalon 7…a less than idyllic destination._ She had landed in the midst of a tank of crosses between piranhas and manatees…let’s just say that she’s less than thrilled at the thought of any future aquarium trips. It was just a normal alleyway, like any that she could have found in London. Rose emerged into the sunlight to see that she had landed in what looked like London. Cars were a little different, so probably near future.

She looked around for the nearest newspapers. _15 January 2013._ So a little off from what she was aiming for. Maybe there was a reason she landed here instead of 2008 when she had planned. Rose quickly walked, thankful for the perception filter on her gun. Wouldn’t want the Londoners screaming about the woman in the blue leather jacket with a gun almost the size of her wandering the streets.

As she passed another magazine stand she stopped. _“Aliens in London? Woman Tells of Fantastic Sighting”_ next to a story about a legion of corgis being released with plastic goblins tied to their backs _._   Rose cocked an eyebrow. Everyone knew there _were_ already. As she kept walking, she saw a poster listing all of the former prime ministers. _Who was Tony Blair? Gordon Brown? David Cameron?_ Rose double checked- no Harriet Jones. _Right, so not the right universe._ She couldn’t help the sinking feeling she felt with each wrong jump. She leant over to her belt, holding the device that linked her to the dimension cannon, to see how long she would have to wait in this universe before making another jump. She would be able to leave in… _one week?_ So she was in a place where time moved quite a bit faster than Pete’s World.  She could deal. There had been that one time where she was stuck on Raxacoricofallapatorius for a month…good thing she at least knew how to pronounce it.

All she would have to do is make sure that her currency worked and then lie low.  She found a hostel that was relatively clean and in a nicer part of London than where she had initially landed. Rose put her gun beside the bed and took off her jacket.

She flopped down onto the bed, relishing the delicious pop of her lower spine as she relaxed into the mattress. Sleeping was out of the question, as she had just rested before her jump, so she rolled over and fumbled for the remote for the telly. A sign advertising free LOVEFiLM service sat below the small flat screen.

Rose turned on the telly and began scrolling through the choices of films and television offered to her. She decided to go with sci-fi. Needed a good laugh. Old sci-fi films reminded her of the TARDIS, popcorn fights, and better times. _Creature from the Dark Lagoon, Forbidden Planet, Star Trek: The Next Generation, War of the Worlds, Doc…_ WAIT. Rose leapt to her feet, flipping back quickly to a blue icon. The soft thud of the remote hitting the carpet did not register with her as she slowly stepped closer to the screen. A little TARDIS floating in space and there was a logo asking the question that she had heard so many times before… _Doctor Who_?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rose sat frozen on the edge of the bed. Had been for the past forty-five minutes. _Couldn’t be._ The yellow ‘select’ button grinned at her, like a smiley face that would eventually devour her soul. That threatening button that should never, ever be pressed. Before she could talk herself out of it, her index finger hit it and took her to the menu.

_Series 1…_ Rose. Well, if she was going to start munching on the gingerbread house, might as well start from the beginning. She closed her eyes and again pressed that button.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wrappers from the vending machine down the hall littered the floor.  The covers were a jumbled mess where she had been twisting them (and rolling around a bit- if she was honest).  Her hair was a blonde haystack where she had nervously been running her hands through it.

A bleary ten hours later, Rose had made it through the first series. Her doppelgänger, this Billie Piper, did and said exactly everything she had. The graphics were so-so, and the aliens were kind of laughable compared to the real thing, but all of the dialogue, the looks, the gestures were just as if they had been recording them in her own universe. The first time that she had seen her first Doctor, she had to pause it while tears ran down her face.  The less rational part of her almost wanted to see if she could find this Christopher Eccleston- if only to see his face in person one last time. But she knew that he would just take her for that actress, and the lack of recognition would kill her.

Watching her life was a…surreal experience to put it mildly. Some of it was downright unbearably painful. She had learned so much about what had really been going on all of that time. The Doctor was such a jealous child- the bastard had even used the TARDIS to spy on her as she left with Mickey! She did not have to admit how much secret pleasure that jealousy brought her.

Bad Wolf had been extremely difficult to watch as a third party. She wanted to jump back in and stop it all- but she also knew that she would never get her next Doctor without what had happened.

She did not know if she could continue watching…knowing what was going to happen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Who had she been kidding?

After sleeping fitfully, Rose had gone through all of Series Two.

David Tennant was…wow.  She needed to download copies of his other work to her superphone to take with her. Shakespeare might be worth getting in to if this double were in it.

Most of it was easier to relive…a more lighthearted time. The first time that she had been properly surprised was in the episode _The Satan Pit._ She knew what he was about to say. Knew that it was about to be said on that blasted beach. _When I see that man again and we fix this- he is NOT getting out of saying it again._

When she had reached _that_ episode, she skipped it. No sense in rehashing. She had done enough of that the first month in Pete’s World.

She saw that the show was listed through Series Seven Pt.1. She wasn’t sure whether to go any further- whether she wanted to see her Doctor without her, whether she wanted to fall down that particular rabbit hole.

She flipped open her phone and went to the Internet Movie Database. Maybe she could just get an overview, see whether she shows up again- without finding out how and screwing up timelines.

The show’s page opened and she caught her breath. Billie Piper _did_ show up again in Series Four. She went to the next series to see just a set of specials. She again showed up in the last one- but another actor was listed as the Eleventh Doctor.  She bit her lip. Another regeneration. She clicked the link to go see pictures of him. A Matt Smith. Cute, but a little awkward-looking. Her name did not reappear for the rest of the show.

Rose did not allow herself to dwell on all possible outcomes.

If she was no longer involved, what could be the harm in seeing what happened then? She knew the Doctor did not talk about former companions, so it wasn’t like she would hear him discuss her future. Besides- there seemed to be a new ‘show-runner.’ Curiosity got the best of her. She wanted to see how things changed. She scrolled down to Series Five and pressed the button.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An explosion wracked the hostel, the door to Rose’s room totally blowing off the hinges. Smoke billowed out of the room, a black crater where the television used to be. She threw money at the baffled clerk who had run out to see what had happened but who had then begun to scurry away from the angry-looking woman with a large gun.

She hit the perception filter on the gun and swung it around her back. As she neared the street, she whistled for a cab. “Take me to the nearest station- I need to get to BBC Wales.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rose strode into the building, asking for the offices of the current show-runner of _Doctor Who._

The receptionist looked at her, very confused, then said, “Right this way, Ms. Piper.” Rose followed her until they reached the hallway.

“I’ll take it from here, thanks.” The receptionist nodded skeptically, then scurried off- surely to update her Twitter account with a celebrity sighting, no doubt. Rose found the door that she was looking for, gauged the force needed, then kicked it in. The cheaply made opening made no resistance and banged off the wall.

The man seated at the desk jumped out of his seat. “Billie? What are you doing?” He then cocked an eyebrow at the gun that she had twisted around from her back.

He smirked at her, shaking his head in a pitiful gesture. “Just can’t let it go, eh? Just a few teasing words and I get all this?”

Rose’s eyes narrowed as she discharged the gun to his right, blowing a massive hole in the wall. “So you think it’s funny, do you? Think it’s hilarious to turn the Doctor into this misogynist man-child who titters on about his brilliance with nothing to show for it? That makes his own _wife_ ,” she spitefully spat out the word, “break her own hand just to keep him from throwing a hissy fit?”

The man was currently huddled under his desk, curled up into a ball, whimpering. “I did not cross universes to watch my life and the life of the Doctor to be toyed with by someone who clearly shows no respect for continuity!”

She considered the gun she now had slung over her arm. “Oh, and, by the way. Giving a woman a gun doesn’t make her strong. Doesn’t make her sexy, either. Really, all a gun means is that the woman behind it means business.” She neared the desk, and knelt down as he shuffled back as far as he could. “Do you like my gun?”

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own _Doctor Who_ or its brilliant characters.


End file.
